Fiction

Solid rump

The Hawks are running hot, that’s three goals to one in the third quarter and the lead’s been cut to five. Ball goes up in the middle, Ripley taps down, Walker has it, quick handball to Jones, then over to Richards –

Smooth as butter, T. B.

Certainly is, Keggo – Richards back to Walker again and Walker sends a long, long raking punt into the empty paddock of the forward pocket, and now the footrace is on.

Check out Collins, T. B.

Yes, Collins, the young buck out of Horsham is at the back of pack but closing fast. Look at him go, absolutely blistering pace –

Magnificent specimen that Collins, T. B.

Sure is, Keggo – and the crowd behind the goal rise in anticipation as the pack closes in with Collins in the lead –

Good, thick rump on him, T. B.

All right, calm down, Keggo – Collins does get there first; he bends and scoops the ball up superbly. Now can he turn and –

Oh!

Oh, and Collins is clattered by Tom Jenkins; he positively levelled him, Jenkins did, and the ball spills loose to Jones who snaps over his shoulder and … hits the post. It’s another point for the Hawks and on the RiteStuck Industrial Glue scoreboard – If you need it stuck right get RiteStuck to stick it – it’s the Cats 5.5.35, the Hawks –

I don’t think Collins is right here, T. B.

– 5.1.31, and, yes, young Collins does look to be in some discomfort. He might have banged his head after that hip and shoulder –

No, I think it’s his leg, T. B. Jenkins landed right on top of his leg and, oh!

Oh, my –

Oh, T. B. Oh, dearie me.

The replay’s just gone up on the MCG screen and it does not look pretty for young Collins –

He’s snapped his fibula like a bread stick by the looks of it, T. B.

Yes, I think Collins could be in real trouble here –

Leg’s so twisted he could kiss his own heel, T. B.

Yes, it is undoubtedly a serious injury –

Piece of bone sticking out like a shark fin, T. B.

That’s enough, thanks, Keggo – The trainers are rushing onto the field as we speak but I think it’s safe to say Collins is done for here.

Real shame, T. B.

Certainly is, Keggo. Hard to see how he comes back from a break like that.

Huge loss for the game, if so, T. B. Not to mention his family.

Beautifully said, Keggo. And indeed a hush has descended over the MCG crowd as they begin to understand the severity of the situation here, with the trainers putting up a tarp to give young Collins some privacy.

You could hear an ant fart in here, T. B. A truly terrible thing to witness.

Indeed, Keggo, and this is sadly the 151st such incident we’ve had this year. A fact some in the media will no doubt be quick to seize upon.

Ah, look, I couldn’t give a rat’s colonoscopy what they think, T. B. The life these young blokes lead is second to none: travelling the country, strutting their stuff in front of adoring crowds. They’re born to run, these lads – and they’ve got some of the best trainers in the business looking after them.

Truer words never spoken, Keggo – speaking of which, the doctor is out now and looks to be administering Collins some relief, so his struggles will hopefully be over shortly.

May he prance carefree upon the vast and emerald paddocks of his reveries, T. B.

Ah, Keggo, you’ll make me tear up if you keep going on like that. And indeed they’ve placed a sheet over Collins to carry him off – appropriately the brown and yellow of his beloved Hawks – and the crowd has risen as one to thank young Collins for his sacrifice –

And would you look at that, T. B. His hand’s slipped out beneath the sheet. Almost like he’s waving goodbye to us as he goes.

Ah, yes, goodbye, young thing. You and all those before you hold a special place in our hearts.

Always cherished, forever missed, never forgotten, T. B. Who are the Hawks subbin’ in?

Looks to be Trey Hollow, Keggo. Young buck out of Horseshoe Bay.

Oh, he looks quick, T. B. Solid rump on him.

This article was first published in the print edition of The Saturday Paper on May 10, 2025 as "Solid rump".

For almost a decade, The Saturday Paper has published Australia’s leading writers and thinkers. We have pursued stories that are ignored elsewhere, covering them with sensitivity and depth. We have done this on refugee policy, on government integrity, on robo-debt, on aged care, on climate change, on the pandemic.

All our journalism is fiercely independent. It relies on the support of readers. By subscribing to The Saturday Paper, you are ensuring that we can continue to produce essential, issue-defining coverage, to dig out stories that take time, to doggedly hold to account politicians and the political class.

There are very few titles that have the freedom and the space to produce journalism like this. In a country with a concentration of media ownership unlike anything else in the world, it is vitally important. Your subscription helps make it possible.

Send this article to a friend for free.